Countdown to Ramadan

 I used to be super close to Allah.

Like I was one of those people who reached that Al Nafs Al muatmamana feeling. If you know you know.. basically it’s a feeling of absolute peace and honestly it’s comes only with hard work and dedication and love and lots of knowledge. You have to constantly intentionally seek knowledge regarding the deen to reach that point in life where your only concern is that which pleases Him. Oh what a beautiful feeling. I was young and undistracted at that time . I used to attend a beneficial lecture every week about the heart. I used to attend all the conferences and seminars , I read many books. I was a student of knowledge and in return God gave me that blessing of being close to Him.

Fast forward to 10 years later and I’m just a empty soul. I live in constant anxiety and depression. I wish I can change. Maybe writing in this blog and reading my old posts will bring back those feelings.  Ramadan is soon.. that’s a good thing. 

Health

 You know I’m not always negative maybe like most of the time I think about how lonely I am. Lol

But on a good note going to the hospital yesterday made me appreciate my health a lot. 

Today was a little sunny so I stood and thought wow alhumdallah I have good health ( not the best health but it’s okay) and that alone was a moment of appreciation. 

Although my doctor worried me the other day . He said I have to get some scan done to make sure my thyroid cancer from 15 years ago doesn’t return. I didn’t really know that can happen 🥲. I kinda don’t wana get the scan. 

I’m tired

 People always call me strong. It’s cool. But like man I’m tiiiired.

I am strong. I been through a lot of crap. And I don’t think it’s fun to become someone new thanks to those experiences. I actually miss my old sweet happy self a lot. I really wish I was taken care of more . I don’t want to be that tired single mom all my life . Going on vacations alone. Working non stop like a man. When will I get a chance to feel supported. Being strong wasn’t a choice. It was a skill I had to learn to move on. I hope no young moms have to go through that. It’s unfair. When you have a baby there’s supposed to be two parents supporting one another . To each their role. I believe in roles. Man takes care of home and financials while wife take care of the family . Simple and beautiful . 

I been working since my son was 1.5 years old. I highly recommend women avoid working full time. It’s just to much. I used to get on the bus at 7:30 am , and then a train.. get home around 7:30pm… everyday…. Only to come home to a empty home. A man who wasn’t doing his role but instead making things more difficult on me. There were so many times I would walk from the bus stop crying. It was just to much. To go home wait for someone who never came and on top of that treated you like absolute shit. Sometimes I look back at our conversations and I cant believe I lived through that. No wonder why I’m so strong now. I went through one of the worse challenges a new mother can go through and that’s having zero support .

Goodnight blog 

Loner

The other day I went to the hospital. Everyone around me had someone by their side. The two people beside me had someone. And again I was reminded of how alone I am and what a independent person I am. I do everything on my own. I got used to it since my ex husband made me that way. I used to wait hours sometimes days for him and he would never show up. When your put into the position it’s a very dark place. It’s hard to explain to people who are used to a strong system of support love and care. I always desired to have that feeling of being taken care of and supported. I wonder why, I am sure it’s a human instinct.

Lately my weekends have also been very lonely since my son goes with his dad Friday to Sunday. My friends have their own families , no one has time for me. I drive around to the same places , it gets boring. Seeing families on a Sunday while your just eating alone or walking alone. 

Home is not home for me. Maybe one day I’ll find a home but for now I’m just roaming. Its lack of belonging .

I used to have a home but it was also not a home since my ex husband never gave it value. He was never there , rarely only to shower. I was lucky if we had dinner together or watched a movie bla bla stuff I don’t think will ever occur in my life. I can care less about that really. Those are little luxuries that some couples especially women can’t see and appreciate. I always hear married women complain of a very in my opinion stupid things meanwhile if they only knew the hardships I had to go through.  I call it lack of appreciation for the blessing they have . But everyone has that trait , lack of appreciation. 

I am not gona lie I am bitter when it comes to happy families. I really hope to have a happy home and family one day. 

This week after 2 years of working from home I will work 10 hour shifts ( and that doesn’t include commuting time of 2 hours ) I know I am going to be beyond tired and the worse part is not the long shifts but at the end of the work week I have no one to celebrate or enjoy my time with. I don’t have a home to put my money towards or a weekend to go out with others. I just don’t. I tried so many times over the past few years to build a social circle and it’s not working. I go to the gym and that’s the only place I feel cool going to since you don’t have to have someone with you to go. But other then that most places require you to have someone. Yes you can go out for dinner alone but after a while it gets lonely . Same with coffee . Or the mall or the beach or anywhere. 

Ugh I should sleep I have work at 8:30 which means I have to get up by 6:30 to catch the train by 7:30 to get home by 7:30 pm only to spend the weekend alone. 

Goodnight blog 

Numb

 Working  out saved my mental health.

In summary in between my posts from 2016 to now I got married, had a baby , got a divorce.

I dealt with lots of hardships over the years , in summary:  depression, poverty , dealing with someone else’s drug and gambling problems , giving birth and going through motherhood alone , and uhh ya that’s enough negativity for this post...

I hated myself and I couldn’t see who I was anymore. It was the hardest years of my life and I think if I made it through that I can make it through anything because those hardships changed me .

Now if you ask me about it all or if I try to recall what happen it’s all a blur and it just feels numb .. that’s the word numb. I become numb to the hardships and the pain and the tears. I barely cry now ( once every few months). I used to cry every night 😔. 

Lonely

People often ask me your alone? You go alone? You hang out alone? Yes.. and sometimes I do feel this sense of isolation and loneliness but then I remind myself to be content with what Allah has put me through and I remind myself that I may not have company but if I am not in the company of haram then I am content. I also have hope in Allah to grant me the company that will remind me of Him one day.  ... Alī ibn Abī Ṭālib, “Souls resemble other souls, and those that resemble each other are in harmony, that’s why people are attracted towards those they resemble”

Being a stranger in this world , a ghareeb, that’s not a test that anyone can overcome. Being the one of very few in your circle who prays or one of very few women who still wear hijab or one of very few who are against dating or one of very few who do not smoke hookah.. those are the strangers who the Prophet said give glad tidings to them. Glad tidings refers to Jannah. 

What more do we want other then to be in the company of the Prophet in the highest levels of Jannah for the hardships we overcame as being strangers on this land? 

I always try to remind myself that Allah tests the strongest of us and He isolates the one He loves most from the people so that person can focus on the afterlife, because this world is nothing. 

Yes it would be great to have company in this world and someone to share my sorrow, hardships and difficulties of this world with but for now I need to accept that this is my decree and that this is what Allah wants me to go through. I really hope and pray that it comes with major rewards in the afterlife. It’s so hard to avoid the haram company and choose to be alone . 

I’m back !

 No wayyyy I have access to my blog again wooow!

Soooo I think I need this blog . It helped me so much when I used to write oh my where do I start LOl so much has changed in the last 5 years.

Come Back

I really hate how there are no educational or spiritual lectures offered at my local masjid...I tried to push for it but nothing happened. I miss high eman levels...only happens when you have that knowledge in my opinion .... my blog was mostly of notes and things I learned form the lectures I used to attend. Even the Dr.Islam lecture that came back is always cancelled , and its a far drive for me =( 

The Story of Jibreal Omar Suleiman

The Story of Jibreal

 Omar Suleiman

Jibreel- Mikeal- the end sound of el means sAllah

Jib comes from the arabic word which means straight
Jibra also means servant

Allah describes Jibreel as a strong angel

Prophet Muhammad held Jibreel in such a high regard that he refers to him as " the one who is with my Rabb"

Allah refers to Jibreel as "Al Roh " the spirit  Al Roh Al Quds "The Holy Spirit"
Spirit because Jibreel brings spiritual life , Jibreel brings the soul


The very first creature to be given  soul is Jibreel.

Jibreel is also named "Namous" which is opposite of "Jasous"

Namous is the one who conceals a beautiful secret, jasous is the one who carries a evil secret


Looks of Jibreel: he can appear as a human

During the journey of the Israa and Maraj  the Prophet described to us how some of the Prophets looked. He said that I never seen a man resemble me more then Prophet Ibrahim.

He said that Jibreal looked like a man named Dihya  who was a companion of the Prophet. He was one of the most handsome man of his tribe at the time, they described him as the Prophet Yusuf of their tribe.

Prophet used Diehya in a wise way, when they went out to Jerusalem Prophet sent Dihya , and when Dihya showed up in Jerusalem the entire city came out to see him for his good looks.

The Prophet said when Allah created the Jannah and Naar, Allah sent Jibreal to see Jannah, Allah told Jibreal to go see what He has prepared for his ibada.

Allah always speaks to Jibreal directly , Jibreal then can relay the message to other angels.

Any Prophet that came had conversation with Jibreal


Angel Jibreal in the life of Prophet Ibrahim in Surat Al Dhariyat

In these ayas, angel Jibreel with other angels went to visit Prophet Ibrahim to deliver the news that his wife Sara who is old is going to have a son who is going to be intelligent and knowledgeable of Allah. This news is a miracle from Allah. The aya starts with how when the angels were at the Prophets house , Prophet Ibrahim serves the best food to the angels, but the angels cannot eat or drink, him and his wife did not know of this.

24. Has the story reached you, of the honoured guests [three angels; Jibrael (Gabriel) along with another two] of Ibrahim (Abraham)?

25. When they came in to him, and said, "Salam, (peace be upon you)!" He answered; "Salam, (peace be upon you )," and said: "You are a people unknown to me,"

26. Then he turned to his household, so brought out a roasted calf [as the property of Ibrahim (Abraham) was mainly cows].

27. And placed it before them, (saying): "Will you not eat?"

28. Then he conceived a fear of them (when they ate not). They said: "Fear not." And they gave him glad tidings of an intelligent son, having knowledge (about Allah and His religion of True Monotheism).

29. Then his wife came forward with a loud voice, she smote her face, and said: "A barren old woman!"

30. They said: "Even so says your Lord. Verily, He is the All-Wise, the All-Knower."

When Prophet Ibrahim finished building the Kabah , He asked Allah how do we make the ritual of Hajj. Jibreel taught  Prophet Ibrhahim how to make the Hajj, and they made Hajj together.

Prophet Ibrahim is buried in Khalil Palestine.

Angel Jibreel in the Story of Prophet Yusuf: Surat Yusuf

In the story of Prophet Yusuf , when Yusufs brothers placed him the well , Jibreel was at the bottom of the well to catch and help the Prophet.


Angel Jibreel in the Story of Maryam : Surat Maryam

Maryam was a young women when she was notified about her son. Angel Jibreel is the one who appeared to her to tell her the news that she was already pregnant as he tells her "Kana Amar Maqdeyah" which means its already destined and she is already pregnant.

When she started to fell pain from the child birth she screamed how she rather die before this and be forgotten, again angel Jibreel appears to support her, and he tells her about the well.  At this moment she wanted to be forgotten but now she has a whole Surah named after her subhanAllah.

17. She placed a screen (to screen herself) from them; then We sent to her Our Ruh [angel Jibrael (Gabriel)], and he appeared before her in the form of a man in all respects.

18. She said: "Verily! I seek refuge with the Most Beneficent (Allah) from you, if you do fear Allah."

19. (The angel) said: "I am only a Messenger from your Lord, (to announce) to you the gift of a righteous son."

20. She said: "How can I have a son, when no man has touched me, nor am I unchaste?"

21. He said: "So (it will be), your Lord said: 'That is easy for Me (Allah): And (We wish) to appoint him as a sign to mankind and a mercy from Us (Allah), and it is a matter (already) decreed, (by Allah).' "

22. So she conceived him, and she withdrew with him to a far place (i.e. Bethlehem valley about 4-6 miles from Jerusalem).

23. And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a date-palm. She said: "Would that I had died before this, and had been forgotten and out of sight!"

24. Then [the babe 'Iesa (Jesus) or Jibrael (Gabriel)] cried unto her from below her, saying: "Grieve not! Your Lord has provided a water stream under you;

 Jibreel helped the mother of Ismail for the well to gush water between the Safa and Marwa. He said if she didn't crave the well a certain way it would have gushed all over the world.  Think about this as the ZamZam well is still pumping water until this day.  Its a miracle , it pumps up to 60091 million liters a day of water. It is a miracle  that Jibreel helped in.

Tafsir Surat Al Nasr

Tafsir Surat Al Nasr: The Divne Support, Victory
http://quran.com/110

Every Friday after isha prayer (8:30PM) Sheikh Moussa teaches us the tafsir of the Quran in English.

Last week we took Part 1 of Surat Al Nasr.

When you intial read the Surahs name  you think victory as in winning but the tafsir the Sheikh taught  us gives you a whole other meaning and definition to this term.

An-Nasr :The Divine Support

When the victory of Allah has come and the conquest,

And you see the people entering into the religion of Allah in multitudes,

Then exalt [Him] with praise of your Lord and ask forgiveness of Him. Indeed, He is ever Accepting of repentance.

The Sheikh said,

Surat Al Nasr is the last Surah to have been revealed to the Prophet Muhmmad. It was revealed about 80 days prior to the Prophets death and after her performed  Hajj Al Wadaah - The Farewell Pilgiramge. This Surah is called Al Nasr because Allah is telling the Prophet in this Surah that he was victorous as he completed his honarable role of relaying the message of Islam, the messgae that there is No God but Allah and Muhmmad is His Final Messenger. The Prophet was successful in spreading the message and people have accepted the message. Allah is giving the Prophet glad tidings. Allah also reveals to the Prophet that he only has a few days to live.

Allah ends the Surah telling the Prophet to make tasbeh (Thanking and Praising Him) and istghfar (ask for forgivness).


The sheikh also mentioned how our goal of dawah should not be to make people become Muslim but rather relay the most clearest message we can of what Islam is and the acceptance of truth is upon gudiance from Allah.

So now when you read Surat Al Nasr understand it from this point