Numb

 Working  out saved my mental health.

In summary in between my posts from 2016 to now I got married, had a baby , got a divorce.

I dealt with lots of hardships over the years , in summary:  depression, poverty , dealing with someone else’s drug and gambling problems , giving birth and going through motherhood alone , and uhh ya that’s enough negativity for this post...

I hated myself and I couldn’t see who I was anymore. It was the hardest years of my life and I think if I made it through that I can make it through anything because those hardships changed me .

Now if you ask me about it all or if I try to recall what happen it’s all a blur and it just feels numb .. that’s the word numb. I become numb to the hardships and the pain and the tears. I barely cry now ( once every few months). I used to cry every night 😔. 

Lonely

People often ask me your alone? You go alone? You hang out alone? Yes.. and sometimes I do feel this sense of isolation and loneliness but then I remind myself to be content with what Allah has put me through and I remind myself that I may not have company but if I am not in the company of haram then I am content. I also have hope in Allah to grant me the company that will remind me of Him one day.  ... Alī ibn Abī Ṭālib, “Souls resemble other souls, and those that resemble each other are in harmony, that’s why people are attracted towards those they resemble”

Being a stranger in this world , a ghareeb, that’s not a test that anyone can overcome. Being the one of very few in your circle who prays or one of very few women who still wear hijab or one of very few who are against dating or one of very few who do not smoke hookah.. those are the strangers who the Prophet said give glad tidings to them. Glad tidings refers to Jannah. 

What more do we want other then to be in the company of the Prophet in the highest levels of Jannah for the hardships we overcame as being strangers on this land? 

I always try to remind myself that Allah tests the strongest of us and He isolates the one He loves most from the people so that person can focus on the afterlife, because this world is nothing. 

Yes it would be great to have company in this world and someone to share my sorrow, hardships and difficulties of this world with but for now I need to accept that this is my decree and that this is what Allah wants me to go through. I really hope and pray that it comes with major rewards in the afterlife. It’s so hard to avoid the haram company and choose to be alone . 

I’m back !

 No wayyyy I have access to my blog again wooow!

Soooo I think I need this blog . It helped me so much when I used to write oh my where do I start LOl so much has changed in the last 5 years.