Countdown to Ramadan

 I used to be super close to Allah.

Like I was one of those people who reached that Al Nafs Al muatmamana feeling. If you know you know.. basically it’s a feeling of absolute peace and honestly it’s comes only with hard work and dedication and love and lots of knowledge. You have to constantly intentionally seek knowledge regarding the deen to reach that point in life where your only concern is that which pleases Him. Oh what a beautiful feeling. I was young and undistracted at that time . I used to attend a beneficial lecture every week about the heart. I used to attend all the conferences and seminars , I read many books. I was a student of knowledge and in return God gave me that blessing of being close to Him.

Fast forward to 10 years later and I’m just a empty soul. I live in constant anxiety and depression. I wish I can change. Maybe writing in this blog and reading my old posts will bring back those feelings.  Ramadan is soon.. that’s a good thing. 

Health

 You know I’m not always negative maybe like most of the time I think about how lonely I am. Lol

But on a good note going to the hospital yesterday made me appreciate my health a lot. 

Today was a little sunny so I stood and thought wow alhumdallah I have good health ( not the best health but it’s okay) and that alone was a moment of appreciation. 

Although my doctor worried me the other day . He said I have to get some scan done to make sure my thyroid cancer from 15 years ago doesn’t return. I didn’t really know that can happen 🥲. I kinda don’t wana get the scan. 

I’m tired

 People always call me strong. It’s cool. But like man I’m tiiiired.

I am strong. I been through a lot of crap. And I don’t think it’s fun to become someone new thanks to those experiences. I actually miss my old sweet happy self a lot. I really wish I was taken care of more . I don’t want to be that tired single mom all my life . Going on vacations alone. Working non stop like a man. When will I get a chance to feel supported. Being strong wasn’t a choice. It was a skill I had to learn to move on. I hope no young moms have to go through that. It’s unfair. When you have a baby there’s supposed to be two parents supporting one another . To each their role. I believe in roles. Man takes care of home and financials while wife take care of the family . Simple and beautiful . 

I been working since my son was 1.5 years old. I highly recommend women avoid working full time. It’s just to much. I used to get on the bus at 7:30 am , and then a train.. get home around 7:30pm… everyday…. Only to come home to a empty home. A man who wasn’t doing his role but instead making things more difficult on me. There were so many times I would walk from the bus stop crying. It was just to much. To go home wait for someone who never came and on top of that treated you like absolute shit. Sometimes I look back at our conversations and I cant believe I lived through that. No wonder why I’m so strong now. I went through one of the worse challenges a new mother can go through and that’s having zero support .

Goodnight blog 

Loner

The other day I went to the hospital. Everyone around me had someone by their side. The two people beside me had someone. And again I was reminded of how alone I am and what a independent person I am. I do everything on my own. I got used to it since my ex husband made me that way. I used to wait hours sometimes days for him and he would never show up. When your put into the position it’s a very dark place. It’s hard to explain to people who are used to a strong system of support love and care. I always desired to have that feeling of being taken care of and supported. I wonder why, I am sure it’s a human instinct.

Lately my weekends have also been very lonely since my son goes with his dad Friday to Sunday. My friends have their own families , no one has time for me. I drive around to the same places , it gets boring. Seeing families on a Sunday while your just eating alone or walking alone. 

Home is not home for me. Maybe one day I’ll find a home but for now I’m just roaming. Its lack of belonging .

I used to have a home but it was also not a home since my ex husband never gave it value. He was never there , rarely only to shower. I was lucky if we had dinner together or watched a movie bla bla stuff I don’t think will ever occur in my life. I can care less about that really. Those are little luxuries that some couples especially women can’t see and appreciate. I always hear married women complain of a very in my opinion stupid things meanwhile if they only knew the hardships I had to go through.  I call it lack of appreciation for the blessing they have . But everyone has that trait , lack of appreciation. 

I am not gona lie I am bitter when it comes to happy families. I really hope to have a happy home and family one day. 

This week after 2 years of working from home I will work 10 hour shifts ( and that doesn’t include commuting time of 2 hours ) I know I am going to be beyond tired and the worse part is not the long shifts but at the end of the work week I have no one to celebrate or enjoy my time with. I don’t have a home to put my money towards or a weekend to go out with others. I just don’t. I tried so many times over the past few years to build a social circle and it’s not working. I go to the gym and that’s the only place I feel cool going to since you don’t have to have someone with you to go. But other then that most places require you to have someone. Yes you can go out for dinner alone but after a while it gets lonely . Same with coffee . Or the mall or the beach or anywhere. 

Ugh I should sleep I have work at 8:30 which means I have to get up by 6:30 to catch the train by 7:30 to get home by 7:30 pm only to spend the weekend alone. 

Goodnight blog