Loner

The other day I went to the hospital. Everyone around me had someone by their side. The two people beside me had someone. And again I was reminded of how alone I am and what a independent person I am. I do everything on my own. I got used to it since my ex husband made me that way. I used to wait hours sometimes days for him and he would never show up. When your put into the position it’s a very dark place. It’s hard to explain to people who are used to a strong system of support love and care. I always desired to have that feeling of being taken care of and supported. I wonder why, I am sure it’s a human instinct.

Lately my weekends have also been very lonely since my son goes with his dad Friday to Sunday. My friends have their own families , no one has time for me. I drive around to the same places , it gets boring. Seeing families on a Sunday while your just eating alone or walking alone. 

Home is not home for me. Maybe one day I’ll find a home but for now I’m just roaming. Its lack of belonging .

I used to have a home but it was also not a home since my ex husband never gave it value. He was never there , rarely only to shower. I was lucky if we had dinner together or watched a movie bla bla stuff I don’t think will ever occur in my life. I can care less about that really. Those are little luxuries that some couples especially women can’t see and appreciate. I always hear married women complain of a very in my opinion stupid things meanwhile if they only knew the hardships I had to go through.  I call it lack of appreciation for the blessing they have . But everyone has that trait , lack of appreciation. 

I am not gona lie I am bitter when it comes to happy families. I really hope to have a happy home and family one day. 

This week after 2 years of working from home I will work 10 hour shifts ( and that doesn’t include commuting time of 2 hours ) I know I am going to be beyond tired and the worse part is not the long shifts but at the end of the work week I have no one to celebrate or enjoy my time with. I don’t have a home to put my money towards or a weekend to go out with others. I just don’t. I tried so many times over the past few years to build a social circle and it’s not working. I go to the gym and that’s the only place I feel cool going to since you don’t have to have someone with you to go. But other then that most places require you to have someone. Yes you can go out for dinner alone but after a while it gets lonely . Same with coffee . Or the mall or the beach or anywhere. 

Ugh I should sleep I have work at 8:30 which means I have to get up by 6:30 to catch the train by 7:30 to get home by 7:30 pm only to spend the weekend alone. 

Goodnight blog